


Yellow Letters.

by AstroWinVak



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean's sad, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Love Letters, M/M, Season 12 finale, So I am, Songfic, Translated
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-22
Updated: 2019-04-22
Packaged: 2020-01-24 03:25:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18562942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AstroWinVak/pseuds/AstroWinVak
Summary: And I searched between your yellow cardsthousand 'I love you'a thousand caressesand a flower between two leavesfell asleep.Dean's letter to Cas because he miss him.





	Yellow Letters.

Castiel's not here.

The tortuous to see his body between the fire, consuming it; nothing, nothing compares to his absence.

Not being able to touch his skin. Not feeling the softness of his lips, nor be able to see them all red and swollen after all the sometimes tender kisses, sometimes rough enough to feel the heat pass over all his body, the absense of feeling his hands cover his cheeks.

Those night whispers in his ear that made him sure everything was fine, that there was nothing to be afraid. Those strong arms holding him when all his vulnerability and his soul were bare and raw for his eyes only, because Castiel was the only one he could show that part of him.

The pure grace of an angel of the Lord rescuing his soul stained from the claws of hell and perdition.

 

_Why not me?_

Why Lucifer didn't kill _me_?

Why him, if it's me that is not worthy anyway?

 

Castiel and his oddly way of questioning. Castiel and his cute head tilting when he didn't catch a joke. Castiel and his way of loving him.

 

Ideas of summoning someone, to something, to _whatever_.

 

Give him back to me. _Please_.

 

Dean feels he's not strong. He knows he's not strong. He doesn't understand why Castiel would dare to love him, even when he's poison to whoever is near to him and whoever he loves. And then, Cas still loved him unconditionally.

Does he ever regret every time he said to love him? Does he ever regret every time he felt so overwhelmed with love, every time he felt like not wanting anything but Cas?

He doesn't. 

He's still such an idiot to understand his own feelings, but knew that what he had with Cas was as real as the pain he's feeling now. But if he wanted all this to be a damn lie, a damn nightmare.

He wants to think that soon a warm kiss will be deposited on his forehead with gentleness and strong hands will cross his back, and that he will be able to breathe the soft smell of honey and masculinity of Cas's neck, snuggling a little more to hear him breathe, to hear him say " _I love you, Dean._ "

 

The pictures of both, of Cas with Sam, or that photo Sam took, Dean's chin leaning on Cas's shoulder, looking at each other, sitting on a dock when they visited a lake.

Dean felt so embarrassed but not for Cas, no, no. But because his brother saw them being all damn sappy. Cas just smiled softly with that sparkle in his eyes looking at the picture after Dean managed to take the phone from Sam, cursing under his breath while Sam laughed very loudly. But Dean was secretly grateful.

"Do you think I can have a copy, Dean?"

"Yes, sure thing, Cas."

****

"I like the way you look at me."

"How do I look at you?"

"I don't know how to describe it, but I know that I also want to look at you like this all my life."

 

I didn't say anything to you in that moment. I didn't tell you that it's enough for me to have you by my side. It is enough for me to you breathe with me. For my lifetime. If not, I can not exist.

I told you in other ways though. I told you when I cried in front of you, when I returned to be me after becoming a demon. I told you when I let you hug me, when I let you take care of me even though my pride was not going to admit it out loud.

I'm not good with words, you know that. And I hate myself for that. Okay, I hate myself for many things, but I hate how I can't tell you that I loved how you held my hand, or how your fingers traced my shoulders and my back, counting every freckle, when you made figures on my skin with your kisses every time we made love.

I don't know if you noticed, but I just felt so loved by you that I wouldn't tell you often because the knot in my throat was big, I didn't want to cry pathetically in front of you  for such a silly thing, me being just happy to have you.

Please tell me you never thought I didn't love you, at least not when we were together and I took my head out of my ass and had the balls to kiss you. Because I knew there was nobody but you. I knew it a long time ago, but didn't want to suffer a rejection, not from you.

Sam told me that you felt the same, that it was obvious to you to love me even if you didn't fully understand your feelings. But you told my brother that my soul felt different, that when you got me out of the cause of many of my nightmares, a part of me stayed in you, that you could see me, **_see me_**.

I never wanted anyone to look at me as much as you.

Sam isn't taking it good either. It's been a while since I stopped being mad with him. I'm not even upset with Jack. We only want you back.

We need you.

_I need you._

Because I love you.

_I dreamed that it was dawn again,_  
_I dreamed of autumns already distant._  
_My light has gone out, my night has come;_  
_I looked for your eyes and I didn't find them._  
_The rain has stopped falling,_  
_sitting on the beach of oblivion_  
_I formed your serene image with the sand,_  
_your hair with seaweed I drew._


End file.
